I miss you, I’ve not seen you since New Years day and that’s over a month ago!
You have grown and changed so much since I saw you. You are confident at walking. You clap, you point, you climb up and down off chairs. You dance to music and sing along. You are chatty, but the only word I recognise is Dadda! Mamma says you know to put rubbish in the bin and I’ve even seen a video of you plastering the walls!
You seen to love your new tricycle. Dadda calls it the Freddie zimmerframe! He’s right, as you often don’t actually sit on it, but hold onto the handle at the front and walk along one leg either side of the seat! You’ve used it inside the house, but Mamma says you’ve now used it twice to get to the park…for a babyccino (you bougie baby!). You understand what Mamma and Aunty are saying, even though you can’t respond yet with words. Going to get and show off your tricycle when Mamma asked you to show me it. Pointing out the window in an attempt to communicate – Mamma translating to explain you’d both watched the rubbish truck and a skip being collected through the window that day. That’s when she told me you’d learnt that rubbish goes in the bin.
You are constantly observing and learning. Grown ups wear shoes, so you attempted to thread your feet into Mamma’s walking boots. Dadda later put you in them, they are huge on your feet! I hope you get to wear Dadda’s first walking boots yourself this weekend…they should fit you at the moment. Today your observation taught you how to plaster. You perform for the camera when I appear on a video call, although you are also fascinated by technology, so still want to press the buttons and accidentally cover the camera so I can’t see you. You’re other trick on the call, is to turn the iPad over so the camera is facing the floor or sofa and I can’t see you, so you can then lift it up, playing peekaboo!
Freddie I’m counting down the days and I’ll see you at dinner time on Saturday!
I met you on your first day in this new job. You can’t do your job without me. Emails, Teams calls, notes, online learning, downloaded resources and presentations. Thanks to me, you can work from anywhere most of the time. I’m in your corner, looking out for you, supporting you, I’ve for your back.
But the feeling isn’t mutual. Yes I will admit, that since the temperature got colder, you take me home with you each night, not leaving me out in the cold, as the the warmth of summer turned into Autumn and Winter. And yes you do still wrap me you in my cover, before putting me into my home the laptop bag. And yes I’ll admit, you do plug me in, and rarely drain me completely of energy. But…at the end of a day, you surprise me by just closing my screen, unexpectedly being put to sleep with no warning. Tabs still open that should be closed. I just want to rest properly. Please log yourself out and shut me down so I can enjoy a proper night’s rest, without the constant anxiety you’ll wake me up when I’m least expecting it.
I left for work today, my first day at work of 2024, on my half day. You waved me off, not chasing me out the door, or crying as I left, knowing the drill, she always returns after a bit, but not knowing that you would be leaving before that point.
I return home, after work, after a trip to the supermarket…was it really in search of holiday season bargains, or was it subconsciously a comfort shop? My home is quiet, the hallway cleaner and emptier than when I left. The only signs of you, the rolling pin on the floor by the bin, and the faint yoghurty hand prints on the sofas.
Not yet walking confidently, but doing more furniture walking and walking holding hands, even walking laps of the flat with me. More balanced on your feet, you play jack in the box, sitting in a suitcase and pinging up and down with giggles! Still full of giggles, but there had been more tears too this visit, a tired boy, away so much in the past month, and the last 5 days at home marred by a vomiting bug over Christmas.
You tried your first babyccino, a frothy moustache and froth also on your nose, making you look a bit like a rabbit! There were lots of chips this visit, the chip shop in Bewdley, right by the very full river and the chips in beef dripping at the Black Country living museum. Mamma and Dada attempted the very stressful operation of building a gingerbread house. Meanwhile, we decorated gingerbread men. Mamma said we could do 1 each…but in reality…I did the decorating, while you stole one to put straight in your mouth. Then when the second 1 was being decorated, you relinquished your gingerbread man, in order to swipe the new one, at your happiest at the moment you had 1 in each hand!! I did get to enjoy about half a gingerbread man, but you definitely went over your quota! We all toasted in the new year about 2100 on New Years Eve before you went up to bed. You weren’t to know that although we toasted with plastic toddler cups, ours contained Creme de Cassis de Bourgogne and yours only blackcurrant squash. On New Years Day 2024 we enjoyed America pancakes with yoghurt, blueberries and raspberries. By the end out the meal, your face had turned pink! Wiping your face, it was hard to work out if you were your normal colour, of if it was berry stains! You were also acquainted with granola and yoghurt this visit, which you appear to love as you ate a lot each breakfast time. You also really enjoyed sharing Mamma’s Cheese and onion marmalade sandwich at a National Trust cafe!
This visit was holiday time, no work for Dada or Aunty, but post Christmas we were all a bit tired. We had 2 days visiting places and a rest day in between. On the first day we visited Kinver Edge and the Rock Houses. I’ve been to Kinver edge and Kinver village, but had never heard of the rock houses, but Mamma found out about it when she was researching where to go. We saw the baby basket you might have slept in if you lived in the rock house and you enjoyed turning the handle of the mangle, you continue to love wheels. Dada was sad not to have a scone in Kinver, but we detoured to Bewdley on the way home so he could have fish and chips! It was the first time I’ve seen battered mince pies! Dada and I enjoyed one each and didn’t share them with you, despite your love of mince pies. I got you a potato scallop, potato slices in batter, but you were so tired you declined it and fell asleep in the car.
During our trip to Bewdley, we visited the hospice shop , a maze of rooms, full of treasures. There you found yourself a toy mobile phone. It plays musical notes, numbers or says colours. You can even swipe it. And you loved it, never letting go of it for the duration of our trip. However this doesn’t mean you don’t still love Mum’s flip phone, or home in when Dada or I have over phones out. You seem to love chattering away on the phone with your toddler sounds. Yesterday you even repurposed my calculator as a phone! We also bought you some books, a spotting book, a prayer book and a book about hugs with a baby elephant in it. Mama also found you her favourite childhood book during our trip, Usbourne’s the first thousand words, published in 1979 with a duck to be found on every page.
On our quiet day, we had a trip to Warley woods with you kitted out in with yellow duck waterproofs including feet. We walked through the park to the play area. Mamma introduced you to the bears…but you just sat there. Were you tired, or was it the fear of the wet mud. Dada took you on a swinging tyre and down the huge slide. You enjoyed sitting on the wooden seed pod.
We also spent a day at the Black Country Living Museum. Mamma’s first stop was the Infant Welfare Centre where she attended Mothercraft 1961 style and discovered that her way of looking after you, was on brand with with 1960’s advice, breast feeding, terry nappies, sitting you on the potty since you were a wee thing. She found the layette’s far more sensible than todays Babygro’s and had a lovely chat with the midwife. In the grocers shop you turned the wheel on the coffee grinding machine, worrying the grocer who was concerned you’d get your fingers caught! We went to the fairground and you and Mamma had a ride in a boat on a merry-go-round. You didn’t look too happy and we wondered if you were a little bit scared, but you did enjoy turning the steering wheel in your boat. While there Dada managed to hit 4 targets on the shooting range with his 5 bullets and won you a little orange duck, who looked just like you in your wet weather gear! At the end of the day we stopped in the cafe and a lovely pregnant lady helped me get you our of your sling. Free at last you proceeded to crawl around the cafe pushing one of their chairs around, only stopping when distracted by the appearance of a suitcase with wheels! Mamma took you to make squished penny and even bought you a folder to keep you collection in. You returned with it in your mouth, like the fish that opens its mouth to reveal a golden coin!
I’ve been so blessed to see you so much over the last 2 months, but now I’m bottom of your visiting schedule, so who knows when we’ll meet again. In the 1940’s words, “We’ll meet again, don[t know where, don’t know when, but I know we’ll meet again some sunny day”.
I drove you, Mamma and Dada home and then stayed with you all as planned until Christmas eve before I drove home for Christmas.
I wanted you to remember I was here and find me, but Mamma brought you into my room on the 1st morning. Once I was dressed I sat with you and Dada on the sofa. I chatted with you both…but you were playing with Dada’s camera and gave me “the look!” The” “I’m focused on something, don’t disturb me, don’t interrupt what I’m doing” look. Apparently its happened before, but I think its the first time I got it!
We got Dada’s old train set out to play. You learnt very quickly that you could turn the handle, to make the bridge lift up and open. I’m amazed how quickly you learn things. Sometimes though, you decided it was easier to lift the bridge up yourself. You haven’t yet worked out how the train can run on the tracks, but you enjoyed seeing the train go down the bridge with gravity.
While I was staying we also met up with your twin, the boy who was delivered at the same hospital on the same day as you. We met at soft play, my goodness how noisy it was there. You liked climbing up the mini slide. You obviously didn’t read the sign saying this was not allowed! Your twin is walking, and since meeting him, its like he has inspired you to work on your walking.
We also went for lunch at Harvester. Poor Dada’s water turned a funny colour after you played with it. Putting the cucumber slice, from my salad bar trip, in the water, then fishing it out. Later discovering that you can hit a spoon insider the glass to make a noise. It turns out even mealtimes are not out of bounds for your experiments! Mamma was really excited about the salad bar and made sure I and Dada knew where the dressings and toppings were “hidden”. You particularly enjoyed olives and croutons from our bowls. Mamma had ribs and you loved gnawing on a rib. Dada had an ice cream sundae for dessert…they’d decorated the glass of ice cream with an ice cream cone. He put a tiny bit of ice cream in it and gave it to you to have while you were sat on my lap. Somehow I got ice cream dripped on me!
You needed a nappy change while we there there. I wonder when people thought of 2 ladies and a baby going into the disabled toilet together! The changing table was for up to 1 year and about your weight. There were a seat there too for an older age and higher weight, but I’m not sure how you are meant to change a nappy on it. Changing your nappy takes 2 people! You are such a wriggler, that it takes 2 pairs of hands. I’m scared of nappy changes on my own, I’m unsure about how to fold your Terry nappies and use the nappy wraps.
We also went to St Albans just as shops were closing. The Abbey was also closed by the time we got to it. There was lots of pretty lights all over the centre of St Albans though. We also went into a toy shop. I think you were tired though and asleep on someone’s back.
We didn’t get to play on my last day with you, Christmas eve. You had vomited and were feeling a bit delicate. Mamma knew what you needed and made sure it was a slow day.
I rang you over Christmas, you cried loudly but calmed down after I spoke to you a bit. I also video called you, you studied my face seriously before giving me a smile. Dada and I both wondered if you had cried on the telephone call because you missed me. I miss you too boo boo, but tomorrow I drive to yours, collect you and take you to my home for new year. I can’t wait to see you again, and I’ve no idea how I will cope in the new year when you aren’t staying at mine. I love you! You’re my beautiful boy!
I should be sad you’re boiler is broken, but its been wonderful having you to visit so soon after your last visit. Leaving you in bed with Mamma and Dada each morning as I left for work and then returning to you crawling out of the living room, smiling, as I enter the front door.
You again looked on my bookshelves, but this time, instead of pulling everything off the shelves onto the floor, books, games, jigsaw pieces, you touched the books one by one, taking in the colours, almost like you were searching for just the right one to look at. You notice your cog toy, still lying in the fire place and crawled to fetch it. Loving the turning cogs, but this time able to notice the little handle for turning the master cog.
You still love food and this bring me much joy. You eat tempura prawn’s from Dada’s rice bowl. We “share” a mince pie…but I only get a few crumbs. You love mince pies, I’m glad I bought the mini ones, so you don’t fill up too much on them! At the carol service I go to break a small section off my chocolate mini roll for you…but in my error, I held it near to you, and before I know it the whole thing is in your hands, and in your mouth. None for me! You drink from a glass, and from a can, Mamma’s iced tea to be specific, you chug it down, its yours now, not hers.
Not learning from last time, I cook with you again. Unroll the ready made pizza dough, spread over the tomato salsa, layer up salamis and mozzarella. You stand on the step stool, the perfect height to see, but don’t help me putting the pizza together. Instead you provide the quality control, first tasting the tomato salsa, then the mozzarella. The mozzarella goes in your mouth, before being dropped to the floor. Does that mean it’s passed the test, or that it failed?? I’m mortified when you topple off the stool when I’m not watching. You scream and cry. Thankfully Mamma’s response, “is that these things happen when you are tired”. You feed on mummy milk and within minutes are asleep. Mamma knows you so well!
You race up and down my stairs, they feel far safer than your stairs at home, with their carpet on them and larger size. You sit in a foldable crate and relish being pushed around in it. Is it a car? Is is a boat?
We set my laptop up in readiness for the Strictly Come Dancing Final. You enjoy watching the penguins in the show before. Then I introduce you to strictly…but the show is too long for your concentration, and your are wandering off before we get too far into it.
I leave you 1 evening to attend a Christmas meal out. Sad to have missed seeing you, I tap on your door when I return. Mamma says I can come in. You are nowhere near sleeping, but full off beans. You happily bounce around the bed, even getting out to spend time with me. I’m so glad to get time with you. “Land of the silver birch,” our bedtime song is not sufficient to settle you for sleep. I spray the room with lavender spray as Mamma tells me to send in Dada – you need the “big guns” to get you to settle this time!
You regularly stand yourself up, using the sofa or the kitchen cupboards to pull yourself up to standing. One day I hold your hands, and with my support you walk all the way from the kitchen to the living room. Later during your visit, when you don’t think too much, you do a few steps of walking. The rest of the time, you either crawl, or “walk” around on your knees! It seems balancing on the knee joint is the challenging part, not the walking!
Mamma orders my Christmas present to arrive while you are staying and to be delivered to a local shop. There is a mix up, the box is there, left by the delivering driver, but the shop owner says he no longer takes deliveries for that company so won’t release it. Mamma is so sad. I take her to a supermarket, my happy place…turns out its her idea of hell, oops. She tells me its something for us to use while you are visiting. I’m slightly concerned it will be a Wendy house or teepee that will take up space in my flat. She shares what it is, its a car seat so I can drive you places. She had visions of Sunday lunch in a country pub. Thankfully I have a friend in that delivery company and she pulls strings to ensure it gets delivered to us before you leave. The plan is to for you to leave on Tuesday…but I get Mamma to check the ticket, its an open return. I convince you all to stay longer, then I’ll drive you all home as I’m coming to stay before Christmas anyway. We drive home on Thursday after Dada and I finish work. Dada takes aaages fixing your car seat into my car. You are hangry on the drive, so we have to stop at the first services we get to so you can have a feed and we can all eat. Dada and I eat in the services, forgetting poor Mamma, hungry and feeding her baby in a dark services car park. We eventually get home by 11pm. You are unhappy to be woken up to be carried in to bed. I stay the night and have 3 more days with you at yours before driving home for Christmas.
Last time you came (April), my living room became the Freddie gym, made out of blankets and cushions as you explored rolling and trying to crawl, strengthening your muscles with pelvic thrusts and push ups. Playing with measuring spoons, plastic cups and egg shakers.
Its incredible how many months have passed (its now November), your shaved head is now a full head of hair. You are waving and pointing and chatting with sounds not words. Crawling, pulling up to stand, going up and down my stairs. Curiosity is the word mentioned at your birthday. You love wheels and your new “fun with gears” toy is a hit, as are the giant cogs you see at Thinktank. I returned home to the result of your exploration, books and jigsaw puzzles pulled off their shelves.
Mummy has to be a step ahead, predicting what you’ll do next, when you need to move, when you need to sleep.
We had some baths together. Watching a bath cube fizz in the water and bubble bath creating lots of bubbles. A glow stick in the water making the water glow. Your joy splashing the water, seeing bubbles, standing up on the bath and doing squats! What turned out to be your first hair wash with shampoo, not just water! Water not always remaining in the bath!
Our first time baking together. Baking with my beautiful, clever boy. Discovering, that baking with a 1 year old ultimately means plenty going in your mouth and most of the rest swept off the worktop to the floor. Instead of gingerbread biscuits, we made gingerbread crumb, although I’m not your you were fussed whether it was cooked or uncooked, both tasted great to your “boddler” taste buds.
Having you wake me up on a Saturday, sitting on my bed. Playing with me radio, switching it on and off, twiddling the knob to get different stations, change the volume, a DJ in the making. Watching you as you jigged along to the music. Dance already in your little body. From pop music, to worship (Premier praise, that I’d never found before) to radio 4, proving you have taste!
The sadness as you went home, glad for plans to meet a friend, so I wouldn’t wallow. Please come back and visit soon.
This week I have a job interview. So often we sing of God reigning, being in control, being sovereign and what we want it to mean is that we have a God who will make life go the way we want it to go. God’s on my side, so of course I’ll get the job. It’s like we have a lucky charm to improve our chances. But surely we’re called to love and serve God just cos he deserves it, not for what we can get out of him. As I thought about this during the worship this morning, I was reminded of Psalm 23…
Though I walk through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me,
your rod and staff they comfort me still
Our God reigns…not that my life will be perfect, painless, just as I want it, but that He is with me, I am never alone, when celebrating or when I need his comfort in the storm. He sees the big picture across all of history. He knows where he needs me and when. He has a plan for my life and it may not be the ABC I expect.
So yes our God reigns…He reigns, not me…there will still be ups and downs…but I will never have to face them alone without Him.
It was an amazing week, but I also found it a really challenging week .
On the Wednesday we took what we’d learnt out to the streets, we danced our intercessions at Edinburgh Castle and on the Royal Mile. I got really wound up about changes to what we planned to do. I felt really frustrated with our leaders, even though I knew rationally they were praying and following where they felt God leading and had the best of intentions. Reflecting on my mess of negative feelings, I wonder if actually it was a case of projecting onto them the baggage of poor Christian leadership in my last two churches. Projecting onto them the hurt and disappointment, the feeling of being let down, of being invisible, taken for granted…
Later in the week I really struggled with my feelings about my own dancing. I felt my dancing was rubbish. 10 years ago I did a dance apprenticeship with Springs Dance Company. I did the short course rather than the whole year. It was a really difficult 3 months. Everyone else had danced since they were tiny. I had done some contemporary but had never done ballet, and jazz dance was totally unnatural for my body. I struggled with learning the repertoire. The only module I excelled at was the half a term module on improvisation in worship. Despite being a Christian dance company it had the same feel of the professional dance world (I’m sure it’s the same for professional musician and artists too), the sense of comparison and a feeling of put downs. I know my contemporary dance teacher thinks I’m a beautiful dancer…but she’s one whose passion is to encourage all to dance as they are able. The sense of being a rubbish dancer reappeared during Summer School. I’ve seen enough professional dance to be able to look around and see the amazing dancer and the not very good ones. I was blinded by poor technique and missed the intercessions, prophecies and worship my fellow participants were creating. But God in his great love was so kind…over the course of the Next Wave – 72 hour worship event, I met many people from the local church and members of the Movement in Worship Collective from other parts of Scotland. Time and time again they said I was a beautiful dancer. It’s hard to believe…but at least it gives me hope…and over time will believe it. My prayer is that my technique won’t distract from Who my dance is pointing to and what it is endeavouring to communicate.
In the early hours of the Saturday morning, I was in the room where the Next Wave – 72 hour worship event was going on. I’d signed up to dance in the 11pm Friday to 1am Saturday slot. I eventually headed off to bed at 4am, having had a really significant encounter with God. I was watching as 3 other people danced, they all ended facedown on the floor…I sensed the need join them and lie facedown too. As I did I thought back over the past 10 year, in so many ways such awful and difficult years. I felt like dancing all week had removed all my layers, now the rubbish of those years was closer to the surface than before. After a bit I started to walk through those years with God, first thinking step by step through them, then moving to reflect those years, incarnating it, starting at 2006. I only got to 2008 before I was on my knees the tears pouring. When I experience God I often feel nothing, I don’t shake or fall to the ground, I might have a single tear trickle down my face. On that night the tears fell and fell…tears and snot!! I discovered that in that situation the kindest thing someone can do is hand you a tissue, and gently lay their hand on your back and bless what God is doing in you. Once the tears started to stop, I discovered that I had not just 1 but 2 people there supporting me, one of our teachers, and a man from the church who were hosting us. He told me God told him to come over, but he didn’t know why, especially as God then didn’t give him a prophetic picture to share with me…yet it was so precious to me, it meant that I wasn’t invisible, I was cared for, and there was something really powerful about a man standing with me in my pain. The next day I was almost scared to go and worship God, I didn’t want to be undone and vulnerable again. Meeting God that night was hard, but feels so significant and life changing too.
This post is the bad and the ugly of summer school…and although the feelings seem bad, God bringing them up the surface, is the beginning of healing. During summer school I applied to do the discipleship training course with Movement in Worship this year and I have now been accepted. I have a sense that it will be a season of healing and tears, as dance isn’t a mask to hide behind, but removes the layers to the vulnerable painful parts of our lives, so that God can bring healing and transformation.
Essence was a school of worship and mission run by Movement in Worship. Finally after years of it being on my radar, I got the chance to attend.
Breathing in…learning, worshipping, hanging out with Jesus and other worshippers.
Breathing out…declaring Gods blessing over our host city, bringing the God colours into the world.
Worshipping with church family from across Europe…English, Welsh, Scottish, Germans plus British with ethnic origins from around the world, a glimpse of heaven where every tribe and tongue will worship together
Intercession and prophecy…for each other, for our home situations, for our host city
Finding my tribe…other Christians with similar views to faith…creatives together rather than outsiders viewed with suspicion by the church…not just speaking, but moving our prayers and worship
Healing…facedown…undone…in God’s presence…tears and snot…processing…forgiving….
Dancing in the city and by the beach…the castle, the main street, the promenade!!
Dancing for Saudi’s and psychics, old and young
Next wave worship…72 hours to bless our God…creativity…art…colour…celebration… children and adults all joining in…
At the end of July I have the privilege of taking part in the Essence school of worship and mission run by Movement in Worship.
I’ve wanted to connect with Movement in Worship for years. I did a worship and mission taster weekend a couple of years ago. In fact 10 years ago I applied to do their discipleship training course. I was accepted, but my dad said if I went, I wasn’t allowed to return home. I couldn’t make myself homeless. Yet now I can draw a line under that and forgive that. I have applied to do discipleship training course this year and looking back, now is the timing, not 10 years ago. 10 years ago I hadn’t survived, workplace bullying, performance management, depression, redundancy, burn out. Now I can do discipleship training course as a wounded healer. Often I have had a sense of God saying there was “healing in the dance”. At essence I found dance removing my masks, getting to the hidden stuff, leaving me in a snotty tearful mess in God’s presence, undone, open to his love and healing. I see this timing of doing discipleship training course part of my healing from the rubbish 10 years I’ve had.
As I met God in my snotty tearful mess, I reflected on the unfairness of a previous department writing me a bad reference and therefore losing me a job. In my view this was even worse as the person who wrote it was a christian! But then I remembered that soon after I felt God say he didn’t want me to be an Allied Health Professional anymore.
So actually both examples seemed unfair at the time…yet looking back…they just supported God’s timing for these things to happen. I can forgive both and move on, knowing God has the road map, he has plans for me and they’re plans to give me a future!!
Learning to float 